Addictions Fill The Table Where The Family Used To Sit

Look, I colored that picture I had drawn the other day. :)

I actually typed this up a few days ago, but am just now uploading it.

Sept. 12 11:59 PM

Lately I’ve found myself on the verge of tears a lot of times. And, although I usually am a pretty emotional person, I’ve haven’t ever quite gotten to that breaking point where I come down and cry. I can feel the tears fill my eyes, brimming nearly to the point of over flowing, but then it all calms and I return to my solid mask of placidity.

Most of it has to do with Chris.

The rest has to do with me and my female hormones.

But... It just hurts. And, I don’t even like to talk about him anymore...
Thinking about what he’s done, what he’s doing right now...

It really, literally, physically hurts.

And then he was trying to protect me.
To know that he feels bad for subjecting me to this...

Yet, even though I don’t know, obviously other people do.
I mean, it was bad enough having to deal with all the crap about him being a huge pot head and stuff, but...
My partner in AP Environmental Science (APES) actually said to me the other day:
“So what happened to Chris? I heard he got arrested.” Chris and the rest of my family wouldn’t want me spreading anything, so anymore I reply with an automatic response:
“I don’t know. Sorry.”

It hurts, now, just thinking about everything...
I haven’t seen him in over a week, and I don’t even know now if he’s still in JDC or just at his mom’s house...



Where’d my big brother go?

We Sure Are Cute For Two Ugly People

Aw... Look. I drew this the other night.
It got kinda cut off when I took a picture of it (I didn't feel like breaking out my huge, chunky scanner. :P) but it said, "We Sure Are Cute For Two Ugly People" which is from the song, Anyone Else But You by The Moldy Peaches.

<3

Love.

We Can Just Pretend

Lifelight = Love, love, love, love, love.

I could write, like, 500 posts all just about lifelight, but I probably won't.

Also, I'm supposed to be writing a descriptive essay right now, (It's about Lifelight. Ha. Ha.) and my mom just called and said that I can't go and do anything until I'm done... And she called right after Rich did, wanting me to come over. Oh geez. I should probably get on that...

Well, here's what I have so far:


Merecedes
Period 6
Descriptive Essay

All around bodies are pressed close; heat rising and sweat dripping. We move as one; a single, massive body swaying and writhing to the beat of the music. Frenetic screams and shouts intermingle with the shrill chords of guitars and throbbing pulsations of the drums. Out of the dark speakers towering high above the stage, pours the voice of an eccentric musician that has become the only voice that can be heard. Soon the frenzied rhythm of the song demands for all to jump and we obey, our dust coated and worn legs thrust the rest of our bodies into the night air again and again. If only this chilly, exciting night could go on forever.
For a moment we’ll turn back the pendulum to before the Family Force Five concert began. A sizable crowd had already formed around the flashy stage. Each person gathered there was eagerly awaiting the first significant sounds of the music to begin, although the sound check would probably take another half hour or so. The sounds of hundreds of different feet shuffling amidst the dirt and dust was hardly audible above the roar coming from the multitude, each speaking louder than the next in order to be heard. Considering that trying to talk over the raucous clamor would be nearly impossible, I turned to look at the fading sky behind me.
By now the sun was no longer even visible, but milky pinks and oranges spilled across the darkened sky in the West; darkness slowly took over from the East, only to be punctured by tiny, pinpoint stars. A prodding in my arm brought me back to the now, and I turned my head to see Kirstin reaching out for me with one hand while jabbing her other between people to forge a path closer to the stage. My searching fingers clasped her arm tightly as the mass threatened to split us apart, and soon we found our own niche in the crowd.




Eugepae!
Eheu!
Mehercule!

=P

Anyways... Yah. It only has to be five paragraphs, so I'm basically half way done.

Blah. I'll go do it.

I just realized that I hadn't updated this for a very long time... So yah.

Hur you go.



Love.

Urinals. Cute, cute.

I GOT A TABLET!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I downloaded photoshop illegally! :D
...

Eugepae! (:

And I drew that picture with my tablet. ;D

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah... I had to go back to school today... x.o
My first day as a Junior.

It wasn't my favorite.

Throughout the whole day I had an absolutely hideous and terrible migraine that left me semi dazed and confused all the time.
This led to some problems.
One, I couldn't focus on what the teachers were saying, so I can only hope that all the homework I did is the only homework I had to do... >.>

And two, well... Haha...
Lunch had just gotten over, so I was gonna go to the bathroom real quick, and since I was already really out of it, I just went into the bathroom, not really paying much attention.
I got in there, and I was thinking, "Woah... It looks different in here. Has there always been sinks right there?" I just kinda pushed it to the back of my mind and turned to where the stalls were.
Or were supposed to be.
And instead, there was only one stall, and then where the other stalls should have been, there were a bunch of urinals lining the wall.

OH Crap.

Yah, so I was in the guys' bathroom...
But luckily no guys were in there. Wow, I think I probably would have ran all the way home and not have ever come back.
But since no one else was in there, I just quickly walked back out and ran into the girls' room.

I think some chick was laughing at me when I came out, but I wasn't for sure, and I could really care less what some chick who I don't know thinks about me and what I do.

So in the end it all worked out. =P



Ugh... I dunno... I just couldn't get in a very happy mood for a good portion of today... I didn't like it. :(






And then I saw some kid that looked exactly like Connor.
Like, I had to do a double take...

-whimpers-

Sleepers Can't Just Wake The Dead When Needles And Lovers Collapse On Guilty Beds

Music Listened to while typing this:

Godspeed, Enjoy The Silence (Depeche Mode), Embrace the Dead, Adelaide, Love Song, Cadence, Hello Alone, Reclusion, Alexithymia, Fin, Paperthin Hymn, The Feel Good Drag, and There's No Mathematics To Love And Loss, all by Anberlin.

Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm
First Date and I Miss You by Blink 182




Oh my gaaaaawrsssshsssssss... It's been way too long since I've updated this. x.o
Ugh, I've just been... Occupied... >.>
*cough*NEOPETS*cough*

Yeah. >.<>.> Ugh. I don't deserve to be called a Pokemon Trainer... My Dex status is... No. I'm too ashamed to even say it... D;


Aaaaaaaaah! I went to the mall today with Chantel and Ryan, and it was real cute. =D
Although, I didn't even by anything... Haha. It works.

Wait, scratch that. I bought a smoothie. C=

We also went to the World Market, and I bought...
Leechy flavored Ramune
Milk flavored soft candy
MITSUYA CIDER (LOVE LOVE LOVE)
Strawberry Pocky
And some other little candy that was basically chocolate and strawberry... Chocolates.
I didn't like that one much. <.<

I'm getting a tablet! =D
*squeals with joy*
I've wanted a tablet for sooooooooooo long it's not even funny, and then Ryan found one at Best buy that was, like, only seventy bucks, as opposed to the 100 and 350 dollar ones that were also there. O.O

So I'mma gonna go get that later. (=




={O~

Back when Jared was, like, the only person I ever talked to through texting, we randomly made up that smilie. =P
Good times, good times...
He has a moustache and a gotee....


"All I ever wanted, all I ever needed was here in my arms..."



So in Escape news, Rachel taught me how to run the MediaShout thinger before she left to College! I'll miss her... D=
But yeah, so now during Praise and Worship I get to go up to the little booth thing and run the slides with the lyrics and such. O:

Tori and Dustin got back from their honeymoon last week, too, and it's so cute!! ^-^


"You sell yourself so cheap, sleep with the night to carry on..."

Woah, I totally forgot that I was making Macaroni and Cheese, and the water was boiling hard core...

Mwahahahaha. I have my MSN status set to (Appear Offline) so now I can see who's on, but they can't see that I'm signed in. >:)
Mmmmmm... Not like I talk to anyone on there anymore anyway... Haha. Every now and then I talk to Elizabeth, Candy, Nikki, or my other Escape buddies, and then, like, every couple months Anni will randomly talk to me. Hmmmmm... The last time I talked to her was... I dunno, some time this summer. But we talked about Jana a little bit I think... She said she tried to call her and try to get everything sorted out between them, because she didn't want both of them to, like, hate each other, but she hadn't answered.
I just told her that Jana had kinda blown her chance with me and stuffs. =)


Aah! I hate guys! >.<
Except not really.
Anyways...
Yeah, so when the fair came to town, I went there with Chantel, Kether, and Kether's little sister. And then we were standing in line for some ride and some guy comes up and tells me that "his friend thinks I'm attractive, and would like my number" and I'm all, "Uh........ No thanks."

And then we ran away.


THE END.


In case anyone reading this is a hardcore Anberlin fan or something, you've probably noticed that the last five or more posts have been titled with lyrics from their song "Godspeed" from the album Cities.
That song is amaaaaaaaazing with extra a's.
:D

And the title of this blog is pretty deep to me... I dunno, I just LOVE it. I'd try to explain what I think the 'meaning' of it is, but I dun really feel like it. xP

*sigh*
I still have so much to tell about, yet I'm getting sick of typing all this, so I think it'll have to wait until tomorrow.



Godspeed by Anberlin

Burning down neverland (scatter the ashes)
White lines black tar the matches
Is this another death by misadventure
Tell me what you got, what you really got (hey hey!)
We’ll rest in our graves,
Lexington course your veins
Sleepers can't just wake the dead
When needles and lovers collapse on guilty beds

Fall asleep, don't fall asleep
Don't fall asleep

(They lied when they said that the good die young)

THEY LIED WHEN THEY SAID THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!
woah-oh-ah-oh
THEY LIED WHEN THEY SAID THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!
stay with me, stay with me tonight

Burning down bridges now (scatter the ashes)
Godspeed to all you're after
Is this a life left just to remember
Tell them who you were, who you really were (hey hey!)
Kill yourself slowly over time, fashion statement suicide
She's still asleep in a Chelsea hotel
Bad turns to worse, and the worst turns into hell

Fall asleep, don't fall asleep
Don't fall asleep

(God save the eyes that dim tonight)

THEY LIED WHEN THEY SAID THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!
woah-oh-ah-oh
THEY LIED WHEN THEY SAID THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!
Stay with me, stay with me tonight

WOAH-OH-AH-OH

THEY LIED, WHEN THEY SAID THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!
woah-oh-ah-oh
THEY LIED WHEN THEY SAID THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!
Stay with me, stay with me tonight
THEY LIED WHEN THEY SAID THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!
woah-oh-ahoh
THEY LIED WHEN THEY SAID THE GOOD DIE YOUNG!
Stay with me, stay with me tonight.

Lexington Course Your Veins

I went to the park the other day... See me?

Right now I'm listening to: Godspeed by Anberlin (Repeatedly)

I've also been watching Mattg124 for a while tonight... Haha, he's real silly.

Mleh... I've been in the mood to make lots more stop motion films lately... But I probably won't. I'm too lazy, and I keep ending up going and spending the day at other people's houses.



Eugepae!
Sum laeta! ^^ ... Quod per agros curris! >.>

Amo Latium.


So anyways...

Yeah. So, I said in my last post that I'd post what my new pokedex status was as soon as I woke up, because I was gonna play it all night long... And... That didn't really happen. As soon as I woke up I went and played Super Smash Bros. Brawl... And after that I watched Van Helsing and Sweeney Todd at a friend's so I didn't even get back home until 6ish. Then I talked on the phone for a while with a few friends, and eventually I got back on the computer, and it's now... 11:33 PM.

Cute cute.

Buuuuuuuuuuut... Let me get my gameboy and I'll see how many pokemon I added...

Seen: 357

Yay!
I just need to get a hundred or so more before Rich gets back...



Mmm... Park pictures.

We'll Rest In Our Graves

POKEMON POKEMON POKEMON


Music listened to while typing this:

Godspeed by Anberlin
Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol
Awakening by Switchfoot
A-Punk by Vampire Weekend
First Date Mullet by PonyPonyRunRun



Aaaaaah! I applied for a job today... >.<
And... I was thinking about it, like, after I turned in the application...

What if I don't really want a job!? I mean, it'd be really nice to have the money, but then it'll mean that I can't do a lot of the things I do right now...

G'bye freedom...

But I guess I'm getting ahead of myself, because I haven't even had an interview yet... So it's all good.
For now.


But besides that, I've decided that I'm gonna Pokemon it up all night long tonight. Currently in my pokedex, I've seen 349 pokemon.
Tomorrow morning as soon as I wake up, we'll see what my dex status is. ;D




Mmmmmm..... Yes. That's it. Good night!

Tell Me What You Got, What You Really Got (Hey Hey!)

Music Listened to while typing this:
Godspeed, Adelaide, A Whisper & A Clamor, and The Unwinding Cable Car by Anberlin
One More Sad Song by All American Rejects
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking her Clothes Off, Boys Will Be Boys, and Build God, Then We'll Talk by Panic! At the Disco




There used to be something here, but I was just being silly when I wrote it, so I've edited it out. ;D



In other news...

Madhie, I love you! ^-^


And you. Yes, you, the person who's reading this right now, whether you're my best friend, my worst enemy, or someone I've never even met. I love you. This world would be a much more terrible place without you here. If you don't think that's true, then I'm sorry, but I do. I love you. You're a beautiful person living here on this beautiful earth that God has given us to enjoy. Please, do enjoy it.
And, if I could ask you to do something, please don't purposefully ruin it for others. We're all people here, none better than the rest, and we all need a friend. The last thing anyone needs is an enemy. Making fun of people, hurting others both emotionally and physically... Please. It's... It's not nice. And really, most people are just looking for someone that will be nice to them.
You could be nice... I try to be nice, although, obviously because I'm not perfect, and no person is, I'm not always as nice as I should be...
We could all be nice, if we just tried...
If we all kept on loving everyone...
Mmmmmm... Well, I don't really know where else I should go with this, and I keep using to many elipseses. (The little ... (dot dot dot) In case you didn't know.)

I love you.

So, I'll end with this.
I love Latin, because you can make whole sentences with just one word. And, that happens to be the case with one of my favorite words.



Amabamus.




We kept on loving.

Is This Another Death By Misadventure?

Chyeah, chyeah! I won the Lenny Conundrum!

Really, it was all thanks to Mary, because she told me the answer as soon as she figured it out...

Love!

So anyways...
I've gotten back into Fruits Basket, like, hardcore. Well, the anime at least...

I don't think I'll read anymore of the manga... Yeah. I'll probably just stick with watching it for now.
Thanks Madhie. =P



I Love L.

Yes, both L and Edward are mine. You can't have either of them... >.>

Although, if I had to choose, I'd probably pick L. Even if he's dead.

White Stripes, Black Tar, The Matches

Music Listened to while typing this:
(Debut) and Godspeed by Anberlin (Multiple times...)
and The Fight by The Classic Crime


AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!! I HAVE A WII AND I LOVE IT!

Now seriously kittens, I wasn't quite sure it was possible to love a gaming system so much...
But I was wrong. It is, like, better than A&W Root Beer.


Haha, it makes me think of the play I was in, in 8th Grade... "15 Reasons Not To Do A Play".
I was Mandy, a chick who was obsesssed with this guy named Travis Thorburn, and I gave this whole speech about how it was absolutely impossible to be in a play when I had to spend so much time thinking about Travis Thorburn.
Anyways...
And during my cute monologue in one part a few of the lines were, "He is my sun, my moon... My breakfast cereal!"

So yeah...



But getting back to the wii...

I rented Pokemon Battle Revolution for it, because that's been one of my main motives for getting a wii... (That, and Twilight Princess of course. ;D)

AND IT IS AMAZING.

I love.
Aaaand, I basically just raped my little sister in a battle, because I transfered the following pokemon from my DS and used them against her:
Lv. 100 Empoleon
Lv. 53 Salamence
Lv. 73 Palkia
Lv. 43 Feraligatr
Lv. 80 Arceus
Lv. 32 Dragonair

Yeah. It was pretty BA.
And, she had these pokemon:


Lv. 50 Wartortle
Lv. 50 Charmeleon
Lv. 50 Rhyhorn
Lv. 50 Pidgeot
Lv. 50 Ivysaur
Lv. 50 Dragonair

They were all the rental pokemon that came with it, so she didn't get to choose anything... So it was kinda unfair...

But I couldn't resist... MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!





The Wii is my breakfast cereal.

Burning Down Neverland; Scatter The Ashes

Music Listened to while typing this: (Debut), Godspeed, and Adelaide by Anberlin
We All Look Elsewhere by The Classic Crime
Lying is the Most Fun a Girl can Have Without Taking her Clothes Off by Panic! at the Disco



My aaaaaaaaaarms........

They hurt. Aaaaah.


I spent the weekend at my cousin's lake cabin, and we went tubing last night... So I'm kinda in pain at the moment.


Aaaaaaaaaah... I've started a new book series.
And, it just so happens to be the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyers.

It is Love.

I seriously could, like, not put it down... It was so good.



And I don't care what anyone else thinks; Edward is mine. >.>

There's so much love... Ah, I just... a;lskdjfa;lskjdfaslkdja;dlfkj;aro;ghlasn;fj;aslsdjkas


Why can't I meet a guy like Edward? He's so BA! And the fact that he's a vampire is even better. He's just so amazing... I love.
Gosh... I want an Edward... >.<



...Please?

Hide Behind Your Half-Smile, But The Truth Is So Undeniable

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah... I've been listening to TONS and TONS of Anberlin lately... They are basically love. Ah! I really hope they come to Lifelight again this year, which is in 49 Days.

Love.

Mmmmmmmm... Hopefully Lifelight will be better this year, though... It would be even sweeter if it was hardcore raining again instead of hardcore... Hot, like last year...

Uuuuuuuuuh... The random picture is from a game I downloaded called FlyFF. I'm BlueFirefly, and Chashin is my friend who was in my guild... But unfortunately I don't really play it anymore, and I'm pretty sure he doesn't either. Oh well, whatevs. It got kinda a bit boring anyway... >.>

And I always have Neopets. Love.

Yeah. There was something else right here before, but I've edited it out. ;D

Loooooooooove.

Pokemon.

Pokemon is love.
One of the reasons I haven't been updating this as much is because I've been sitting in a corner in my room playing Pokemon all day and all night for the past two or three days.
I literally haven't left the house since the Fourth of July.

I don't have a problem... -twitch-

Uuuuuuuhhmmmmmm... But yeah. I also just figured out how to get Wi-Fi on my DS, so that makes life even better. Aaaaaaah... But the GTS isn't as great as I thought it was... I mean, you can only trade pokemon that you have recorded in your pokedex... It's kinda real dumb.



But whatevs, I'll become a Pokemon Master eventually! >.<

Mixed Feelings;; FailuresTo Excommunicate

I think I've just been confused this whole time.
Really, I don't think I liked him as much as I thought I did... Well, not in that way, at least.

Really, I think I was just worried I'd lose my best friend again.

I dunno, relationships always seem to do that...

Separating people. Y'know?

Ah... But life is good now. Really, I'm just kind of...

Content.

Jared came to Escape last Wednesday and we got to talk and hang out for a while. It was really cool. =]

Haha, it's weird... Life. This summer. School. My dog. Friends. Everything...
Wow. I really don't know what I'm talking about anymore... I feel really light headed for some reason... Maybe it's my allergies... Actually, I'm pretty sure that's what it is.
That, and staying up real late raping Pokemon Mystery Dungeon.
Yup, I finally beat it. Love.

Ah! Yesterday for the Fourth of July, we went to our friends' house and shot of fireworks at their ranch. And, in their barn they had a bunch of kittens! I Love.
Although I'm allergict to them, and my mom is really allergict to them, I've decided that when I'm older I'm going to get a whole bunch of cats. I think I'll probably be that old, crazy, cat lady that people always make fun of on TV shows.
And that's okay.



Neopets

Check me out on Neo.


Also, getting back to the kittens...

They kinda... Inspired me.
Uh... Let me explain.

I really like to write. No, like, I'm always thinking of new stories, names for characters, plots, etc. and obviously, just by the fact that I have a blog means that I like to write/type.
And, when we were playing with the kittens, and I was holding all three of them at once, I suddenly had an amazing idea... Like, I saw the story unfolding in my mind...
About those barn cats.

Ah... Well, I'm gonna go Neopet it up for a bit, and hopefully I can start on my kitty story soon.


Who knows, maybe I'll post some of it on here.

I Eat Emo Pansies For Breakfast.

Music Listened To While Typing This:

Failure to Excommunicate by Relient K
I Got Pain, So Do I Love You, Dakota, and The Annoying Hardcore Dude That Goes Too Far by Bradley Hathaway



Aaaaaaaaah... Bradley Hathaway.
I love you.
Gosh...
He's so BA!
If he comes to Lifelight again this year, I'll be a very happy camper. That was kinda my shot at being witty... Because I really am camping out there, and I'll be a happy camper, and... Yeah...



So anyways, I know there are probably some people reading this and going, "Who the heck is Bradley Hathaway? ... Freak!"
Well, I'm here to tell you.
Bradley Hathaway, is... Love.
Haha, but he's really a Christian poet, and he's just super BA and stuff.

Here's the lyrics to one of his most popular poems, which everyone usually refers to as "Hardcore". I also have the shirt that says, "I will windmill kick you in the face", which is from this poem.


"The Annoying Hardcore Dude that Goes Too Far"
Bradley Hathaway

I am hardcore. I will windmill kick you in the face. Everybody back up, make a circle, let's destroy this place. The lights are low and I'm about to go off. Here comes the break down, ka-ra-te chop! Raise up your arms, make an X if you're down. Me and my crew, we own this stinkin' town. Watch out for my fist, your face it will kiss on purpose. I'm tough and I'm ticked.

I don't slow dance, I don't salsa dance, forget the tango. I don't slam dance you idiot, I dance hardcore. On the floor, I'm the man you've never seen before. When the drummer yells, “go!” it's my time to blow.

And in between songs. I yell at the band, cause I don't care what they have to say. I'm not here to learn anything anyway. I'm here to dance. In the zone, in a trance.

I don't smoke cigarettes, but if she's willing I'll drop my pants. Promiscuous I am, but I'm vegan, I don't eat ham or any of that stuff cause it's bad for you, right? Save the animals, forget the sweatshop scandals!

I do not shop at hot topic. I am not Mall Core, I am hardcore. Madball, Hatebreed, Throwdown, Terror. I own all their records on colored vinyl, limited edition and hand numbered. But you won't see me asking for no autograph. I ain't lookin' like no fool. I ain't no pop culture tool.

If they ain't screamin', I ain't listenin'. If they ain't got a blast beat, I ain't tappin' my feet. I eat emo pansies for breakfast, and give their little t-shirts to my little sister. So cry about it you messenger bag, purse carrying whatever.

I wear girl pants, but I'm homophobic. Yet the way I'm always huggin' on my homeboys you sure wouldn't know it. I've had my ears stretched an inch since back in '96. Somebody told me hardcore was a place to share what you believe, but I didn't like what dude said, so I flipped him off and told him to leave.

I'm mad at society because my parents won't buy me a new computer, even though I asked politely. My playstation 2 is broken, but my Xbox works. When that breaks though, something will hit the fan and I'll express myself with rage and anger, just like a man. Cause that's how it's done, right? You get mad and start a fight, right? I think I may, I think I might, take my insecurities out on that punk in the pit tonight.

Cause really, I am just insecure. More than that, I'm kinda scared and hurting inside. And I don't know how to deal with it. I don't know what being a man means. I thought acting tough was the way to go.

But now that I think about it... I'm emo.




LOVE.
Ah!
All of these pictures on here were taken by me at Lifelight '07...

I Do. I Don't.

I found this amazing picture at:
www.nataliedee.com
She's BA.


Music listened to while typing this:
(There's a good chance that not all of the Titles and such are right...)
Shotgun Wedding by Panic! at the Disco
Inryoku by Perfume
The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, Brand New Colony, and Sleeping In by The Postal Service
On the Radio by Regina Spektor
Failure to Excommunicat by Relient K


I do believe in God and destiny.
I do not believe in love at first sight.

I do have a brother that does drugs.
I do not do drugs and I don't hate him for it, although it would be nice if he'd stop...

I do have lots of regrets, but there's nothing that can change what has already happened.
I do not like thinking about the past, yet I find myself doing it all the time.

I do believe that everyone needs a little love, and if I can give it to them with even a simple, kind word, then that's what I'll do.
I do not know if I'll ever be "loved" like my mom and dad love eachother, or if I'll even ever experience the highschool romances I see sprouting up around me all the time. I don't think I've ever really been in Love with someone.

I do try to not fit in with any of this world's categories/cliques and at the moment I don't believe I do. But, that's just my opinion, and the world has it's own opinion of me, whether it contrasts mine or not. Some people call me Emo. Some people call me a Nerd. A few times I've even been called popular.
Honestly, none of that matters. It's stupid.
I really do hate it when people make a big deal out of that kind of stuff.
It just ticks me off.


I do think that saving the earth is a good thing, and we really should be more concerned about the situation that we, the human race, are putting ourselves in.
I do not believe in Global Warming, though. Honestly, you'd think that people would be happier that the weather's getting warmer. To quote The Postal Service, "Concerns about the weather getting warmer, people thought that they were just being rewarded"

I do consider myself to be fat, and I don't like it. And another thing that kinda ticks me off about being fat is that a lot of times people assume things about you that they shouldn't. Freshman year, at lunch, I had a sandwich or something, and if you know school lunches, you probably know that it wasn't the greatest sandwich I'd ever eaten. So, because I'm fat when I stood up with my tray, and my half-eaten sandwich (I didn't see the point in eating anymore of it... It was gross and I was full enough anyway.) one of my friends stood up and said, "Okay everyone, we all need to tell Sadies (Nickname) that she's beautiful, because she's going anorexic."

Really? Honestly? Did you need to say that?
If I was skinny she wouldn't have said that because I would've not had a reason to want to lose weight, therefore it would have just been because I didn't want the rest of my sandwich.
But, because I am fat, they automatically assume that if I don't finish my food, I'm obviously going anorexic, because that's what fat people do.

Wow.

That's why I don't sit with them at lunch anymore. :D


I do have a favorite food, and it is crab.
I do not like spicy food. It's absolutely disgusting.

I do think that this is the end, finally.


I don't think I have anything left to say. For now.

Lovin' Life

Ah... I haven't posted anything for so long...

I really was hoping to update this every day, but obviously that didn't happen.
I've just been super busy these past few days and haven't had much computer time at all.

But yeah...

I really don't have anything to talk about right now, though...

So... I guess this is it.


Love.

Brand New Colony by The Postal Service

Blah... This is one of my most favorite songs ever, and here are the lyrics:




I'll be the grapes fermented,
Bottled and served with the table set in my finest suit
Like a perfect gentleman.
I'll be the fire escape that's bolted to the ancient brick
Where you will sit and contemplate your day.

I'll be the waterwings that save you if you start drowning
In an open tab when your judgement's on the brink.
I'll be the phonograph that plays your favorite
Albums back as your lying there drifting off to sleep...
I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you,
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes.
I'll be your winter coat buttoned and zipped straight to the throat
With the collar up so you won't catch a cold.

I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth.
We'll cut out bodies free from the tethers of this scene,
Start a brand new colony
Where everything will change,
We'll give ourselves new names (identities erased)
The sun will heat the grounds
Under our bare feet in this brand new colony.

Everything will change, oOo oOo...




This song is just so amazing... It's about love, and when I listen to it... Ah, I just imagine that maybe a guy feels that way about me. Or maybe a guy will feel that way about me some day...
Blah...

I just can't get over it...
And one of my favorite lines from it is, "I'll be the platform shoes and undo what heredity's done to you,
You won't have to strain to look into my eyes."
Mostly, because I can relate to this, considering I'm pretty short... Ah, love.

And then my other favorite line is, "I want to take you far from the cynics in this town
And kiss you on the mouth."

I'd just love for a guy to say that to me... Lol.


So much emotion... All over the place. I love.

Allow Me To Exaggerate A Memory Or Two...

Blah...

As I mentioned in my previous post, it's time for a story, because today I started crying a lots, and although my phone breaking was kinda what set it off, that was definitely not the main reason... It wasn't really even anywhere near that.

I had just been having a weird day... It had been good for the most part, but the day... It was the weather, the sights, everything.
It reminded me of a few former friends...
Story time, kiddies.




Last summer I had three best friends. Jared, Anni, and Jana. It was days like today that we'd spend doing whatever at Anni's house or the park or wherever we felt like, really.
I still remember every morning I'd get up and get ready and stuff, then I'd call Jana sometime after noon (She could drive, so... ) and then we'd usually go pick up Anni and Jared, or they'd already be there, and then we'd all go do whatevs.
It was great.
I hadn't had best friends since I left my old school... Three years before then.
I loved it. Just being with them made me forget about everything and knowing I had people that I could tell anything to...
It was nice.


Well, summer doesn't last forever.

And as expected, school came around. Instead of getting involved in drama hardcore again like Anni and I were the year before, we kinda stayed away from it...
One big mistake.
If I had stayed involved in theater I probably would've avoided a lot of crap. But too late for that.

Eventually we stopped hanging out as much because of school and such... But then things started falling apart.

It'd be a Saturday or Sunday most likely. I'd call Jana sometime after noon wanting to hang out, but she didn't answer her phone. Okay, whatevs. I figured I'd just call in half an hour or so. The next few Half hours went by, and she wasn't answering her phone still. Okay, still whatevs. She's probably at a movie or something, right? I'll just wait for an hour now. Okay, two hours now? Three... Oh. It's already 9:30 PM...? Dang.

Then at school the next day I'd be told something like, "Oh sorry, I was at a movie."
Um. Thanks for lying to me...?
The next weekend the same thing happened.
The next monday I got another excuse, (Although it was more believable.) And it happened again a couple times... So I figured that I'd done my part.

Obviously, I was just calling at the wrong times.
Yeah.


Gosh... I still remember laying in my bed and practically crying my eyes out during all those nights...

So I just stopped calling.
It hurt. Real bad.
And she didn't even care...
I waited so long for her to call; she was my best friend. That's what they do, right? They eventually realize something's wrong and they call to find out what... Or they at least call to hang out or talk... Or that's what I assumed would happen, considering we were friends.

But no.
She never did.

One day at school, after a few weeks of this, Anni comes up to me in class and asks why I haven't been calling them anymore.
Hahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha.
Well why the heck haven't you called me?
I just asked her that, a bit nicer, and then she just looked kinda confused and whatevs.

The bell rang and I kinda got out of the room as fast as I could before I started crying again...




Well... Things basically continued from there. I didn't really ever talk to Jana again, although I do still keep in touch with Anni and Jared, actually...
Ah, that's for another time.


The End.

What A Beast.

Yeah.
The picture actually has something to do with what I'm ranting about this time.

Love.

Honestly... The phrase that keeps popping into my head randomly for the past few days has been, "Wow... Life is kinda sucking right now."

I mean, there's issues at home, and it seems there there's issues (Although they're not quite as bad) everywhere else...

And the worst thing is, I think all the other issues are because I'm getting really jealous, and it's annoying the freakin' heck out of me. Like, I get these nasty (As in mean, not gross...) thoughts in my head, and I know I'm just jealous of others because... Blah...


I don't want to lose my best friend again.

M'kay? Is that so bad!? I feel like a terrible person, and I hate being like this, and it's almost enough to make me want to start cutting, or go back to making myself puke and such (Maybe I'll tell about that another time... But I haven't done it for a few weeks now. Yes. The proper term for that is Bulimia) but then... Ah, I couldn't do that.
Especially cutting... I don't have a very high pain tolerance.

Honestly. I feel like a jerk-douche-terribleperson-non-loving-freak.
Ah, he's my best friend, but then I hear about these girls who have become his new friends, and they're all flirting with him and stuff, most likely. (I mean, when they first met him they told him he was cute. And that was their reason for asking for his phone number.)

fghjiuouylitfugjhbkbawo;isflknma/s;dfsioalkn/asdfklnas.,f/kdfj;oasl/nfd/asdkjfbaslkjdf/laksdfl;ksahfnkjhfilvbkbgeathr


As I said before I'm jealous... And I don't like it, I really don't...



But whatevs. I just keep telling myself that I'm just overly jealous and being a total, not nice freak. Nothing like what a friend should be...


I'm sorry.



Ah. And then to top it all off I shattered the screen on my phone.
Yeah, I cried... I knew that my dad was going to make me pay for the next phone, and just so many things were going through my mind then too... Blah. I kinda felt like I exploded. Through my eyes.

Well, I think it's time for a story.
And, being as the odd person I am, it'll be in a new Blog post for various reasons:
One, because it'll be more organized and cute and stuff.
Two, because it kinda doesn't have as much to do with this post.


Jealousy is a beast.

Dried Tears; Makeup Smears

I feel like crap and I feel like I'm gonna puke...
Not because I'm sick, but just because... I don't know why.

Last night I had the worst headache in the world, and I had to take a bunch of drugs (The legal kind... Don't make assumptions) to try and make it go away, but they only made me want to throw up. Ah... Maybe I should have just puked... Certainly the Taco John's I had isn't going to help me lose any of my fat.
But no, I just curled up in my bed trying to stop the pounding in my head, and hoped that I could sleep.

Haha. That's a good one.

No one else seemed to want to let me sleep.
Just to let you know, I use my phone as an alarm, and I've also got this fear that if I, like, ever turn my phone off, someone is going to call me then and it'll be a huge emergency, but they won't have any way to get a hold of me. So my phone stays on, right by my bedside, all night long.

Anyways, so I was laying there feeling like crap, and my cousin texts me a picture of her hand all mangled and bloody so immediately I start freaking out, but my phone had been dead earlier and was charging now; so I stumbled across my room without my glasses and could hardly even see what I was entering, but I managed to ask her if that was real or just makeup, and then I kinda tripped/jumped into my bed. Of course, because I had been woken up once, I wasn't able to get to sleep as easily, but then I was finally feeling tired again so of course she texts me back and is all "wat do u think? duh it's makeup love. lol." and I was all, "Oh. Lol. You're silly. I'm gonna sleep now. Night my loof."
But then I lay back down and literally, like a minute later, I get 3 new texts and my phone is freaking out because my inbox is full, and I'm all "Oh my freaking gosh! Just let me sleep!!!" D=

And it was my cousin saying good night, and then another friend of mine reminding me that she's having a fire at her house this friday. So I was about to tell her I'd be there, and she sends another text to me because she's all "ah! it says my last text didn't send to you, did you get it!?" So I reassured her, and then she told me good night, and I finally went to sleep.

I had laid down at 10:00.
I didn't get to sleep until around 11ish...


And then, my night just kept getting better and better. I woke up at 4:12 (Yes, I do in fact remember the exact time) and because of issues not headache related, I just started crying my eyes out. Life just really kinda sucks right now and I don't even know why. Dang.
I really wanted to call someone; I really wanted someone to hold me and tell me it was okay.

But we can't always get what we want.

I couldn't really think of who I could even call.



And now there's eyeliner all over my pillow. Cute.

Good Morning, Love.

Ah... I love.
Good morning.


I just found out I have a dentist appointment in three weeks...
Looks like I'll have to start brushing my teeth more. Gross.
Well, it's not that I don't like brushing my teeth, I can just never seem to remember to do it...



Well, I have summer school now, so enjoy the rest of your school-free day. (Unless of course you have summer school. In that case, I wish you luck on not falling asleep or failing.)

What A Nice Day.

So I think I've started a pattern with this. (Totally unintentional)
It seems that I usually post one in the morning, and then one at night. This is not set in stone, though, so if this pattern breaks one day, don't get mad at me.

Anyways, it's Father's Day, and the weather has been lovely, if not a bit too hot for my liking. To all the Daddies out there; Happy Father's Day! And to all those not-daddies out there... Get busy, I suppose. I don't know what else I'm supposed to tell you...



I've been listening to All American Rejects, like, all day... I don't have much music on my ipod, (It's one of the tiny little shuffle guys, and it's purple... [: ) so yeah... But they're actually really good.
Just a note; when I find a song I really like, I usually listen to it over and over until I have it memorized. This has happened with quite a few of All American Reject's songs lately, and today I've been listening to a song-I think it's called Stab My Back, but don't quote me on that-and I don't know why, but I just really like it...

"Stab my back, it's better when I breathe for you."
That's, like, one of the main verses in the chorus, and I just... Ah! It is love.



It's better when I breathe for you...

Sweet Action Fo' Sho'

This is the first in many random drawings I'll be putting up here.

No, these do not have some deep representation of me as a person, or my feelings; they're just simple drawings transferred from my mind to paper and then to where you are seeing them right now.

I want some of that Sweet Action. Dinosaurs are love.



Rawr!

Right Now...

Right now I'm feeling sick from eating too much popcorn and drinking too much sweet soda.
I'm kinda just wanting to puke, it usually makes me feel better.

Right now I'm also trying to make sense of the things around me. I don't know how I really feel about my best friend, or how he feels about me. I've never done this before, and I don't know how to handle it. He's one of the few people I can spend a whole day with and just be totally happy the whole time. I do feel really sad and kinda lonely when I'm not with him. And maybe it's because my hormones are extremely high at the moment or something, but I just kinda feel like crying... Ah!
I feel kinda Emo.

Right now I'm wanting to put some new songs on my ipod, because I'm getting a bit tired of the ones I have. But I can't figure out how to work my itunes, so I'll just listen to all these songs over and over, and hopefully I'll have them all memorized soon. Whatevs.

Right now I'm thinking the sky looks like love. I went to a movie and as I was walking through the parking lot, I noticed just how pretty the sky was. It was a perfect kodak moment; a warm summer night with the moon peeking through a thin blanket of clouds. And yes, I did take a picture.

Right now, at 10:51 PM, June 14, 2008 I'm feeling a lot better than I was before I started writing this.

Cute.

So What Are The Written Thoughts of a Teenage Lover?

Many of you are probably looking at the Title of my blog, and are getting a bit confused, or you're just plain getting the wrong idea. When I describe myself as a "Teenage Lover", I do not mean love, as in 'Making love' to someone. No, no, no. I'm a virgin and proud of it. I also plan on staying one until There's a ring on my finger.
But what I mean is, I'm a lover. I love life. Love is one of my favorite words, and I use it to describe most things around me; I say it without any pretext, or in situations where most people wouldn't expect it.

Really, I think I'm in love with love.


Anyways, now that I've gotten that all cleared up, I suppose I should introduce myself, hm?

My name is Mercy, and I'm in my teen years, as you might have guessed. I prefer to not say where I live, or really any other personal information at all. Mercy might not even be my real name, but who knows. It's the internet, where men can be women and children can be adults. Truth can be lies and most things aren't always what they seem.


The purpose of this Blog... Well, really it's just so I have a place to record my thoughts, a journal perhaps, where others can see what I'm thinking.




Now how was that for an Introduction?