You Can Show Off Your Light

Ah... So it's 12:02 AM and I'm not even tired. :D

No, no, I'm not on anything, although I wouldn't blame you for assuming after my last post. I was coming down when I posted that...

Fuuuccckkkk.

I hated coming down. It was the worst.


But Kaycie had a really pretty bong... :D
It makes the silliest noise, too... haha.
And I really wanted the pipe. Just to hold in my mouth and walk around with. Y'know?

Oh gosh. I called Travis when it was finally starting to hit me. I probably took the most hits, besides Dyllan. It just wasn't working at first... And Kaycie said that a lot of people don't get high their first time, which kind of dissapointed me. So they just kept giving me more turns to take a hit... Haha.

And then it hit me like a fucking brick wall.

It was great at the time.


Nothing mattered. Everything was distant and good. I didn't care about anything. My legs and arms and my whole body was just heavy and then light and then heavy again. My mom texted me something at one point and I just started cheesin' out.

It was great.


Until I had to go home.

I had already started coming down after Little Ceasar's...

Oh gosh. That was one of the worst parts.
We went to go get pizza at Little ceasars and everything was so fast. Everything was really defined, too. I could see everything but I couldn't focus on any of it, and I'd blink and I'd be somewhere else. Fuck, I hated it. I think the guy working could tell, too. I know I kept looking everywhere and at everything, so I bet I looked rather odd, if anything.

And then I didn't feel normal again until later that night.


Fuck.

I like cigarettes better, although I wouldn't want to smoke anything without sharing it with another person. I dunno, I just don't see the point in smoking alone. It seems like more of a social thing to me, and it's not like the buzz from cigarettes is that great anyways. :/

And weed is only good when you're with other people because otherwise you're just sitting alone cheesin' out at whatever and just... Shit. shitty shitty shit.
Fuck.


Me and Travis shared a cigarette at work the other day. They tasted kinda like caramel. haha. :P



Ah... I would make a post like Libby and Steph's, but I've only ever had one boyfriend, and he was pretty cool. We're still friends and all.
I broke it off because I could never see myself spending the rest of my life with him, and because I didn't like kissing him. :/

But we're still good friends and we play Pokemon together! :D



Ah, but I digress.

I rented Requiem for a Dream today, so I'm going to watch that right now.
:)

Nighty night, kittens!


I love!

Then When I Turn Jet Black

Hehe.
Silly videos for a silly girl's blog post. (:

I was sooooooo baked this morning... teehee.

But I'm tired now after such an exciting day, so I'm gonna go to bed and I'll tell you guys all about it tomorrow. ;D

Love! =D

And Come Out At Night

The following is a nice poem by Billy Collins that I found in this amazing book in my school's library, called, Sailing Alone Around The Room.


Not Touching


The Valentine of Desire is pasted over my heart
and still we are not touching, like things

In a poorly done still life
where the knife appears to be floating over the plate
which is itself hovering above the table somehow,

the entire arrangement of apple, pear, and wineglass
having forgotten the law of gravity,
refusing to be still,

as if the painter had caught them all
in a rare moment of slow flight
just before they drifted out of the room
through a window of perfectly realistic sunlight.




I Love. :)

You Can Hide Underneath Me

Gosh...
I get into these moods where I'm just really sad...
I've been really sad basically this whole past weekend and a little while the week before, but it changed this morning and now I'm happy again!

I don't know when I started doing that, but it's just a regular thing.

Like, when I'm always sad and stuff and I just start crying all the time over the most random things, or sometimes not for any reason at all, I know at least that it'll be over eventually and I'll be happy again. I just have to wait out the sad times, however long they take. Sometimes it's only a day or two.
Sometimes it's weeks.

I don't like it.

But I just can't help it...

Bleh.

Trever gets more adderol on the 10th. That should be exciting.
:o

And then I might be doing some other stuff this saturday...

Haha, and this guy that's friends with Andy was going to bring us sleeping pills, and Becca explained to me that when you take them but stay awake you see stuff...
But I don't know if he'll ever bring it. :/

I love you, Libby.

And now I need to go do a heck-a lot of homework so that I can get plenty of sleep tonight! :D

Oh, and I'm getting a roll of film developed today and I should have it by either tomorrow or Wednesday. So be prepared to see some more of my pictures. (:


I love you all lots!! ♥

I'll Be Your Sky

Please, remember me.


I'm jaded and numb.
I can't feel things anymore.

Everything that should make me cry just leaves me feeling blank.



I want to paint.

I want to take pictures.
I just want to go everywhere and take pictures.

Everything is.

it is.


Fuck. Why does it all matter?
I had waited so long for my first kiss, because that's what's supposed to happen. And then, because you waited so long for it to be with that special, right person, then something magical happens and you both fall in love and eventually you get married and then you make love and it's all beautiful and wonderful.

But.. It didn't. My first kiss didn't even feel special or nice or good or magical
or anything.

I didn't understand.

And good girls aren't supposed to do much else besides kissing, so I never did. We made out all the time.

And there was never anything there.

I always found myself drifting off with my thoughts, thinking about what I was going to do later that night, what homework I still had to do, etc. It just wasn't anything I even enjoyed.

And that's mainly why I broke it off.


I mean, why shouldn't I just go out and have sex, if that's what guys want and if it's never going to feel special or good or magical or anything? It's just what we're all supposed to do to continue our species.
It's just mating.
It's just survival.


Things are so fucked up.

But I love you.